Sunday, March 13

It's just a dream.

Warcraft Chicks

Have you ever thought about how it would be to actually walk the streets of Orgrimmar? To feel the wind, smell the city, listen to the sounds - just simply being there. If there's one place in another world I'd like to go it's Orgrimmar. I would be amazed by the smallest thing. If I could only go to Orgrimmar in real life. Can't they just come up with something like Disney world? Only difference it's not called Disney world, it's called Azeroth and you would be able to visit a real life Orgrimmar, Silvermoon, Undercity, Thunder Bluff, Ironforge, Stormwind, Darnassus and Exodar. At least Orgrimmar. I want to experience Orgrimmar.

I miss you

Sunday, March 6

Bittersweet pain

  I already have two tattoos, but it's true once you've taken your first tattoo you're hooked. I want more. I've decided one of the tattoos I'm getting, but I can't get it just yet. I have to be like 25 to make sure it won't stretch considering I want it around the hip/stomach area, and I'm hoping that one day I'll get the pleasure of bringing a kid into this world.

  I would also like a sleeve tattoo, but I'm not sure it would fit me. Feels like I'm "too cute" for a tattoo like that. I'm not at a place where I could decide which tattoo to get right now, so I guess I just have to wait and see.

  I'm sooo getting something like this tho. Looks pro! And then I want a tattoo saying how much I admire my mom for making me who I am, and doing that all by herself. She's been the best mom in the world, I wouldn't trade her for anything!

Saturday, March 5

Go there alone

  The journey of life is basically a journey we have to travel by ourselves, we sometimes find people who's going the same way as we are - so we decide to walk together until we have to choose different paths. I've talked about this tunnel that I'm stuck in, pitch dark tunnel with, what seems to be, no entrance or exit. There's no light coming from anywhere, and I've been lost inside it before. Not knowing where I'm 
going, doubting the direction I've chosen to walk, sometimes even walked straight into the wall. 
  Someone heard me screaming and decided to come look for me, he found me - 
and now we're trying to figure out where he came from. The light keeps getting brighter, we can pretty much touch it now - we're just so exhausted. What harm would it do to just sit down for 5 min to catch our breath?
  My head is a mess right now, I've created a "level 5" to keep my emotions separated, which failed the other day btw. All of a sudden I found myself laughing my ass off while crying my heart out. It's the worst combination in the world - according to me at least. Specially when you know that deep down inside that the laughter is just another part of the crying, except it's the part you'd like to hide from the
  The one that makes your lips shake, and your tears build up quickly and fall fast. You end up being bent over or crouched trying to suck it in and not make any noise, but it hurts too much to hold it in. So you let out a yelp and a cry, then comes the loss of breath, which sucks, because not only are you crying out loud, but you think you sound dumb for not breathing too. Imagine that, and then you're sitting there rofling your fu*king ass off.. It's hilarious, yet pathetic. I'm just glad I don't have to walk alone anymore.


Make me feel beautiful again

I saw this coming. Raping my blog with emo-posts. Yay! That's my supersecret way of facing the fact that I am all alone. He's still there, in my heart. We're still us. But the pain of not having him here, right next to me, is too much to handle alone.

I'm sitting here - all alone. Thinking about those moments when I felt complete, loved and beautiful. I want to feel beautiful again.

I don't feel like I have that many to talk to, it's like walking in the dark without guidance - never sure if you're walking in the right direction. 

But there's always that someone who's always there for you - whenever you need him. My best friend. Even tho he doesn't always understand completely - he still tired to.

While I'm waiting for the day I finally will see him again I relieve all the precious moments in my head.

They make me stronger. They make it easier to wait, even tho it sucks and I can't wait. I want to hug & kiss you - right now.

I'm trying to follow my own advice - spend a lot of time with the friends who make you laugh. But it's not easy to laugh when I feel so aline, broken or simply empty. 

He's thinking of me, I know that. Why can't that just be enough? Just for a little while - until we meet again. 
Not being with him leaves me with a constant fear. A fear of losing him - in one way or another. And that's usually when the jealousy kicks in. I become some sort of a monster. The jealousy will only push him further away - but I can't help being scared. 

I've given him all of me, all the tiny pieces that are left of me, and the mess of a person that I've become. He's the only one who's got enough of me to break my heart. I trust that he won't.


Thursday, March 3

70 - He's gone now.

He's gone now. On his way home, to Sweden. I'm broken, it hurts. I don't want to be alone, not now - not today. The day he was going home would be just as painful even if it was in two weeks, but there's something "special" about this day - today.

I'm gonna write something that might be "over the top", too honest maybe. Seven years ago today was my best friends birthday, but six years ago that changed - not because we stopped being friends. But due to another tragic event that was going to ruin this day for the rest of my life. Six years ago, today, I lost my stepfather, he was the only father I ever had - since my biological father bailed on me when I was only a few weeks old. My stepfather was in a coma, and we were holding on to all the hope we could possibly find in our hearts, minds and souls that he would live to talk about it. The thing is that he never woke up. Six years ago I lost my only chance of ever having a father. I mourn the loss of him every day, but I try to focus on the good stuff - all the things the taught me. But today it's difficult to put all the bad feelings aside, 'cause today is a reminder of what happened six years ago.
I'm broken in pieces, and I'm constantly trying to glue myself back together. Luckily I found someone who's willing to help me put the pieces back in place, or at least try to make them fit. I'm so grateful that I found someone who accepts me as I am, and instead of trying to "fix" me so that I will be just the way he planned, he's trying to help me put the pieces back - in order to make me whole again.

I love you Dennis, and I will never let you go.

I miss you dad, and I will never forget you - or the things you taught me.

I haven't slept yet, I think it's about time.