Thoughts keep running through my head, I'm getting stuck with the bad ones. I hate this time of year, it makes me weak, little and full of dark, depressing thoughts. I shouldn't post such things to my blog, considering it's a public blog - but I find myself doing it, over and over again. It's weird... When I sit down, try to put some words together, hopefully be able to use them for a blog post, English is the one thing that comes naturally to me. I guess I could've written this in Norwegian as well, but it's not the same. I feel like I get to say all the things I need to say when I write in English.
Right now I don't really know what I need to say, or where to go. Every December is like walking in a pitch dark tunnel, not sure if I'm walking in the right direction. There doesn't seem to be a light at the end of the tunnel, or just an end to the tunnel at all. I've been walking here for 10 years now, and I still haven't found my way out. That makes me wonder; will I ever find my way out of this shithole?
My life is, and has always been a mess. I'm a mess. Will I ever be able to figure out what I really want to do in life, and if so - will I ever achieve it? Are my goals just so I've got something to aim for? Or are they for real? Will I ever try to reach them?
I used to believe that we were all put on this planet for a reason, I'm not sure about that anymore. You see.. There's too much wasted talent on this planet. Too much of everything actually. But let's not get off tracks, back to the wasted talents.. I always "knew" that I wanted to be a singer, not for the fame, but because I loved doing it. Singing was the only thing I was certain I knew how to do. I've tried singing competitions, and they're not looking for someone who really wants it, they're just looking for someone to make money from. I don't want to be that person. Am I wasting my talent if I refuse to do something about it, because I don't want to be a sell out that gets her songs from a random record company? I want to be able to write my own songs, but I'm not. The only thing I'm good at is scribbling down my thoughts, like this.
I love writing, and after my 12th year in school I finally got a teacher that "fell in love" with my way of writing. Teachers never really got me, and that made me end up with C's instead of B's or even A's. My 12th year in school I actually aced my Norwegian class and my English class, mostly because of short novels and essays. But I'm not going to be a writer, I could never finish a book - and if I ever did... It would be one hell of a depressing book.
Next year I'm going back to school, and I still haven't completely made up my mind what I want to do. What do I want to study? I've been thinking about something to do with "information and communication technology", which means that I would be working with operation and maintenance of business IT systems, installation, use and maintenance of software, advice, guidance and training in the use of these systems. Summed up pretty quick; service and support when it comes to computers and basically everything that comes with it. But am I right for that kind of work?
I find myself thinking that working as a hairdresser or even a car mechanic is wasting my brain. I actually consider myself as a smart girl, and I want to do something about it. I'd like to expand my horizon, do something unexpected.
I think I slipped off the tracks. This wasn't what I was going to write about, but that's the thing about me blogging, I can write whatever I want to write.